Funnies - Purim Torah 2005

Welcome to this wonderful, wonderful Seudah. Purim is a time for celebrating. Regarding this, there is an old Indian saying. We aren’t exactly sure what he is saying, but suffice it to say that he is old, he’s an Indian and he’s saying it.

Yes, I’m far away from it now. Sometimes I get homesick - the roaming buffalo herds, the smoking campfires and those tents that would have kept Pythagoras busy for years. My name is Chief Peking Duck. I come from a very distinguished lineage of Indian Chiefs: My father, Chief Out for a Duck; my grandfather, Chief Sitting Duck and my Great Grandfather, Chief Roasting Duck with a sweet and sour sauce and those little potatoes on the side, a few carrots and a glass of bubbly French champagne….mmm

Today, of course, is the wonderful Holiday of Purim. Most people don’t know this, but the events of Megillas Esther took place in my homeland. As it says, “…MeHodu ud Kush…” – from India to Kush. That’s where I come from, India. OK, wrong sort of India, but you try finding an authentic Indian turban in the pre-Purim rush, and I couldn’t get the accent quite right, so you’ll have to make do with a fake American Red Indian speaking in a fake Eastern European accent. Oy a-broch…

But I tell you, being a Jewish Red Indian with a fake Eastern European accent isn’t easy. Chiefs in the other camps have trouble with my Yiddish accented smoke signals. They say that they have to read everything backwards. In fact, my smoke signal handwriting is sometimes so bad that one time I sent a smoke signal message and never got a reply. The other villagers just thought my tipi was on fire…again.

Anyway, as I was saying, Mehodu ud Kush. American Indians. Yes. As we all know, the story of Purim took place where I came from. Incidentally, we named our country Hodu after Hashem’s favorite food, Turkey, as it says, “Hodu L’Hashem Ki Tov”.

You know, American Indians really took the Purim thing too far. You know, my Great Great Grandfather (that would be the father of Chief Roasting Duck with a sweet and sour sauce and those little potatoes on the side, a few carrots and a glass of bubbly French champagne….mmm), his name was Chief Duck or You’ll Get Hit. He was a very intellectual man. He pondered questions such as: what brocha do we make when we bite the bullet? What about when you swallow your pride? Anyway, Chief Duck or You’ll Get Hit was the one who instituted all that carrying on when we went to attack the white settlers. I bet you’ve always wondered why we do that when we attack. Here’s a bit of history the history books left behind. It was a very simple innovation, really. At one of the Powwows of all the chiefs around the campfire, it was decided that because they didn’t have guns, they needed something to scare off the white man and they agreed to this screaming thing as they attacked. But none of the chiefs could convince the guys to scream, they said it was unbecoming. So one day, my Great Great Grandfather Chief Duck or You’ll Get Hit, was leading a squad of fearless braves to attack a settler camp and he couldn’t get any of them to yell and scare off the white men, so all of a sudden, as they began their approach, he sat high on his horse and shouted “HAMAN!” and there was such a blood-curdling cry from the warriors that the white settlers fled and not an arrow was fired! It’s been a minhag ever since.

Getting back to the droshah, there are many minhagim on Purim, including intoxicating yourself until you can’t tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai. The big question is, how is it possible that a religion that puts so much emphasis on intellectual pursuit would encourage intoxication? My Great Great Grandfather, Chief Duck or You’ll Get Hit (the intellectual) discovered a theory brought down possibly by Chazal but probably not: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you feel smarter after a few schnapps. Have another shot of fire-water on me.

Oy vey, this drosha is definitely not another feather in my cap, not that I need more feathers…

Any…HOW…you know that Jewish Red Indians with Eastern European accents are mad keen on cholent. I am personally of the opinion that it just isn’t a Shabbos without a food that has been cooking on the fire in excess of 24 hours. In fact, keeping the cholent fire burning all day and night has side benefits. Our ladies like to sleep with their heads towards the fire on Friday night. I say it’s dangerous; their hair could catch fire. They claim that it helps to keep their wigwam…

Seriously, now, did you realize that Megillas Esther is a comedy – and the joke’s on Haman (but he didn’t hang around long enough to get the punchline). Megillas Esther was actually written after the event by Modechai HaYehudi and Esther HaMalka. It doesn’t have the same ring as Gilbert and Sullivan, which is why it written as a megillah and not as a musical. The Megilla is a comedy because the evil Haman who was plotting and scheming and being very clever didn’t realize that he was missing vital bits of information – like, uhr, that Esther was Jewish and that she was related to Mordechai. Boy, at the last banquet she prepared did Haman get a shock and he literally fell over himself, and the Queen, trying to patch things up. But the joke was on him.

It wasn’t the first time the joke was on the bad guy. Haman came from a long line of bad guys. In fact the whole story of Purim began during the time of Yaakov and Eisav. The story goes like this… [cue dream sequence, everything goes blurry, rolling music..action…]

Eisav hated Yaakov and wanted to kill him, but he couldn’t manage to or couldn’t bring himself to do it himself. He chose his son Eliphaz (translated as: My G-d is a Petrol Station – the word Eli means my G-d and the name of a famous Israeli chain of petrol stations is Paz). Anyway, Eisav made Eliphaz promise to kill Yaakov, but Eliphaz didn’t really want to because he respected Yaakov and especially Yitzchak, his grandfather, with whom he had spent a lot of time. Timna, Eliphaz’s wife also tried to talk Eliphaz out of killing Yaakov because she knew that Yaakov would prevail. But Eliphaz had made a promise to Eisav, his father, and couldn’t get out of it. So when Eliphaz met up with Yaakov (his uncle), Yaakov gave him the solution: that Eliphaz should take all of Yaakov’s possessions because someone who was robbed of all of his possessions is like he is dead. Eliphaz agreed and when he returned home, Eisav went bananas that he was made a fool of - strike one for the bad guys - and vowed to send someone to kill Yaakov once and for all. That is when Amalek, Eliphaz’s son, volunteered for the job. But Amalek was talked out of it because his mother, Timna, told him of the prophecy that the descendants of Avraham will be brought into slavery for 400 years. If Amalek kills Yaakov now, it can only mean that Amalek’s descendants will go into slavery and he wouldn’t want that, would he? So Amalek decided to wait. Then, when the Jews were freed from Egypt and the prophecy had already been fulfilled, Amalek decided that now is an opportune time to attack. But Amalek decided to be clever about this. What did he do? He sent emissaries to make contact with some of the less faithful Jews and to strike business deals they just couldn’t refuse only to gain their confidence. Then, on the appointed day, Amalek swooped down on the unsuspecting business people who had left the protection of the clouds surrounding the Bnei Yisrael and started to massacre them. But, again, the joke was on him because Amalek was missing some vital information: Moshe Rabeinu could turn the tide of the war by davening to Hashem. In fact, the war turned around completely once Moshe entered the story by holding his hands up high and with Yehoshua leading the Jewish army on the ground. Amalek staggered away, licking his wounds. Then, after numerous battles, which he subsequently lost, he found another opportunity in Haman to get the Jews, but as you know, once again, his efforts were foiled because despite the fact that he was a smart, clever and conniving person, he lacked the correct information – the joke was on him, so to speak. In fact, the whole reason that Achashveirosh held the party at which the Jews sinned – and the fact that Haman wanted to kill them – brought about the second Beis HaMikdash. How so?

There was a prophecy that the vessels of the first Beis HaMikdash were to go back to the Jews after 70 years. Achashveirosh arranged this huge party to celebrate the fact that the 70 years were up and he still had the vessels. At the party, he showed off the vesselsof the Beis HaMikdash to proclaim that he was now the permanent owner of these vessels. Haman saw that the Jews were drinking from these vessels and were therefore chayav missah – eligible for the death penalty. It was then – the fact that the 70 years were up and that the Jews were sinning so greatly – that he saw that it was the right time to destroy the Jews. However, wasn’t Haman pleasantly surprised that because of his dastardly plans everything turned out well for the Jews? – the vessels were returned to the Jews and that the Second Beis Hamikdash came about! Oops…not very smart after all, was he? Not a clever cookie – or hamantash or whatever…

Hey, speaking of being smart, I went into a museum to look at some ancient Jewish American Indian artifacts (it was a very small museum) and I came across an ancient Red-Indian Megillas Esther written on buffalo hide, of course, and it looked really old. I asked the tour guide how old it was and he said that it was two thousand six hundred and four years and six months old. When I expressed surprise at the accuracy of his answer he replied that when he started working at the museum the Megillas Esther was two thousand six hundred years old and he began working at the museum four and a half years ago.

Enjoy the rest of the Seudah!

Yossi's Purim Torah, 2005