Eating

It is interesting to watch other people eat. I have noticed a few categories of eaters and it fascinates me to watch them consume their food. Here are some examples:

The Hunchback
He sits on the edge of his chair, leaning over his plate, which is close to the edge of the table. His back is hunched and his spoon works feverishly between the plate and his mouth. Usually his eyes stare dead-ahead, intermittently looking down at his plate. Sometimes he stops in mid-feed, spoon suspended in the air between his plate and his mouth, to survey the room. In this state, The Hunchback remainins hunched and only moves his eyeballs, never his head. Then the feeding continues.

The Tongue
His fully laden spoon rises slowly from his plate. Some food may fall so he steadies his hand. With the precision of a highly complicated medical procedure, he maneuvers the spoon deliberately towards his face. Then, while the spoon is at least two spoon-lengths away from his mouth (but no less) he opens his mouth wide to receive the food. In doing so, he exposes all of his teeth, his tonsils and his tongue. At this stage, his tongue invariably slides out of his mouth to create a sort of landing pad for the spoon. The tongue curls around the under-side of the spoon, drawing it inside the cavity. Once the spoon has been emptied it is then released so that the procedure can be repeated.

The Surveyor
The Surveyor never fails to miss what is happening around him when he eats for perhaps someone is watching him. He takes a cautious mouthful. Then puts down his spoon and wipes his mouth with a serviette, replacing it by the plate as if it hadn't been touched. As he does so, The Surveyor scans the room to see if anyone saw what he just did. The process is slow, except for the quick, short mouthfuls of food, which sometimes gets stuck in his throat. If that happens, there is a succession of throat movements to try and dislodge whatever food is stuck there, all the while maintaining a blank facial expression. Satisfied that nobody saw him, he proceeds with the next bite.

The Laugher
This is possibly one of the most dangerous of all eaters. They suck you in to sitting with them with their lively personality and jovial nature. But beware The Laugher. As the conversation develops, the seemingly good humoured Laugher will suddenly strike, causing untold discomfort to his companion by opening his food-filled mouth wide and laughing raucously. The Laugher's companion can do naught but try to look away. The Laugher will do this repeatedly, laughing openly with a full mouth, exposing the half chewed food and the remnants of the last mouthful which has become lodged between his teeth. However, there are times when The Laugher tries, but has difficulty, in keeping the food inside his mouth. Bits and pieces of food and saliva spurt out mid-laugh. He will try to cover up by taking a quick sip of drink, but this will only make things worse when the next laughing fit hits before the sip has been swallowed. Once you identify him, try to avoid The Laugher at all costs. But remember, The Laugher never eats alone.

What sort of eater are you?