Shtusim: for your entertainment

Friday, August 25, 2006

Challenge: How To Stop Them News Junkies

It would probably be an understatement to say that life in the Middle East is "exciting". It's a journalist's dream come true - always something to report. The news is rarely good, but there is always something to put in front of the newspaper editor.

Actually, when you come to think of it, the world is also a pretty "exciting" place to live in terms of news stories. I mean, not that we have a viable alternative at this stage, but you have to admit that there is always something newsworthy going on on this planet of ours.

We have become so used to having news available to us whenever we want it that news providers are constantly challenged to give us something to talk about around the proverbial water cooler. So it really comes as no surprise that conversations inevitably turn to the news - what's going on today.

I think that we have become a society of news-junkies.

And being a junkie of any sort is less than preferable.

So here is what we have to do. Next time a co-worker, acquaintance or even a complete stranger pipes up with, "Hey, did you hear about the...", put a stop to it immediately by interrupting with a completely silly sentence that has absolutely no connection with anything. Example:

Friend: Hey, did you hear about the-
You: -baking pies cures cancer. Especially if they are meat pies. But you really have to watch the amount of sauce you put into those pies. You really don't want to overload them with oil because then it clogs up your arteries so you may not die of cancer but you will probably get a heart attack before the age of 40 or soon thereafter.

That would put a stop to any conversation about politics, war, tsunamis or economic issues.

If you are in the mood and really want to go one level higher, try this: let your friend get to the first word of the subject of conversation and then you interrupt and speak for a minute about that word. Example:

Friend: Hey, did you hear about the doctor-
You: Doctors are very educated people. They spend a number of years in university studying how your body works. And you really want them to do a good job of studying how the body works because, frankly, I wouldn't send my car to a guy who doesn't even know how to open the hood, so why should I let some guy who came last in his class tinker with my innards? That's just plain stupid. He's got to be bright. But you know which doctors are really bright? Veterenarians. Yep, they have to know and understand the anatomy of hundreds of different animals. You really have to be a bright spark to know how to treat all different sorts of animals. But then again, I wouldn't want a veterenarian treating me. There are a few reasons for this: 1) The Vet's answer to almost any difficult injury or sickness is "time to go to sleep, kitty cat" and 2) what if the Vet has a lapse and fills me full of some medecine to treat the flu and then declares, "Oops. When I prescribed the medicine, I was thinking about elephants and not people". And in that case a simple "sorry" wouldn't cut it, would it.

There you have it - and no news.

Try out this new challenge and see how you go!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Water, Water Everywhere and Still No Beer to Drink

I'm no business genius, but sometimes when I go into a cafe or restaurant and see all of the inefficiencies, where the service is lacking and how the decor is inappropriate, I feel I can fix up the joint better than the owner, who supposedly knows the business inside-out. For example, a restaurant serving "American Style Cuisine: specialising in business lunches and corporate dinners" should not have pink walls and waitresses dressed in casual attire.

Sometimes, I come across excellent marketing that really impresses me, not that I'm a business guru. For instance, we bought a laser printer a few months ago and I receive a note in the mail from the supplier that I can receive a discount on toner if I buy from them. It just so happens that I need to buy a replacement toner - guess who I'm getting it from?

I reitterate that I'm no business maven, but there are just some things that even school children know. For example, if the latest fashion is orange, sell orange clothes, not blue; if it is cold, sell heaters and not air-conditioners; and so on.

Well, my blog-readers, someone had better have a bit of a chat with the manager of my local supermarket. It is the middle of summer - the weather is stinking hot at 2am - and they don't sell beer.

If you read my previous blog, you will note how important an ice-cold stubbie is in this heat. But, no, our supermarket is happy to sell coffee and tea by the trolley-full, but a bottle of beer? Not a chance.

But, hey, give them a break. The supermarket just re-opened after remodelling and changing their name. Perhaps they have beer in stock, but not in the place it used to be. Actually, nothing in that supermarket is where it used to be. Maybe it is prudent to ask where the beer is? I think that is a pretty reasonable idea, don't you? Well, that is what I did, and here is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi. I've been walking around this supermarket for ages looking for the beer. Do you know where it is?
Supermarket Lady: I'm sorry, we don't have beer.
Me: What do you mean? You used to have beer. It used to be over there [waving a finger in the general direction of the rest of the supermarket].
Supermarket Lady: We ran out.
Me: Ran out? When?
Supermarket Lady: Last Friday.
Me: But today is Thursday! That's, like, nearly a whole week! When do you expect to get some in?
Supermarket Lady: Hopefully by Sunday.
Me: Sunday? What am I supposed to drink until then? Water? Ergh...
Supermarket Lady: [turns her back and walks away]

It has been 2 weeks since that conversation and still no beer in the supermarket. Did someone tell the manager that it is the best beer-selling time of the year? Talk about poor timing. It was most likely a supply issue, rather than a manufacturing issue as beer is available elsewhere (at inflated summer prices). There's probably some unfortunate truck driver broken down in the middle of a deserted highway with nothing to drink but a tonne of beer. Poor guy...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What Could Hit the Spot Right Now

It's a hot, sweaty night which has followed a day of oppressive temperatures and a glaring sun. You tried to take refuge under a tree, but the strong, hot wind wasn't afraid of the shade and you were not safe even there.

You are tired, legs burning, aching. Your calf muscles are fighting a losing battle to stand their ground. The house is quiet, children sleeping, air-conditioner humming its welcome tune as it pumps out a stream of cold air that seems to instantly disolve in the humidity. The slowing spin of the ceiling fan mimics your energy level as you lower yourself helplessly into a dining chair. You squint as a slow drop of perspiration rolls quietly down the side of your face, through the crevices of your dry skin and crashes onto the floor in a micro-splash near your foot.

Your clothes stick to you, like an ill-fitting second layer of skin. Your shirt unpeels itself from your back, only to flap back onto your damp body to stick there for another while. Your damp shirt collar brushes against your neck as you shift your weight to slip your foot out of your sports shoes. A rush of cold air caresses your foot for a brief, but pleasant moment.

You know that you desperately need a shower but despite the vivid imagery in your mind of clean, cool water running over your body, you don't have the energy to carry yourself to the bathroom. Even your fingers ache. Your breath is hot and you can almost see it lingering in the heavy air before your face. Your eyeballs hurt when you look around but, surprisingly, your eyelids remain defiantly open.

It is well past midnight and the house is very nearly completely silent, save for refridgerator noises at irregular intervals. You can hear yourself breathing. Your heart beating.

Now is a perfect time to enjoy the feeling of an ice-cold beer, straight from the bottle, going down. You can feel the very soul of the cold liquid as it fulfills its ultimate purpose. A bag of lightly salted pretzels, a soft breeze through the fly-screened window and absolutely nothing in the world could hit the spot more, right at this very moment.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Consider it Done

Welcome to my newly, and more appropriately, named blog: Shtusim (loosely translated as "Sillinesses").

I haven't written a blog for over a month. I decided to go into semi-retirement to see what would happen. Turns out, nothing. I wasn't exactly innundated with calls, faxes or emails asking why I haven't posted in such a long time. In fact, I think someone mentioned something to me once a few weeks ago. But that could have been in relation to something else, I don't recall.

When discussing the blogging issue with my wife, she asked me if I think that I'll go back to writing. I told her that I might. At least it amuses me. Self-entertainment is important when you have no TV - and blog-writing is much more neighbour freindly than yodelling. Anyway, I said that I'll post something soon and to consider it done.

And it struck me. "Consider it Done" is a statement that really makes very little sense.

Mr President: "Kill Ossama!"
General: "Consider it done"

Yeah, right.

or

"Could you please fasten the safety rope to my bungee jumping harness?"
"Sure. Consider it done."

Result: splat.

So, in other words, when you say "Consider it done", what you are actually offering the other person is an alternate reality where you don't actually have to go ahead and do something. All you have to do is consider it done and, whalla, it is.

Not surprisingly, I much prefer the alternate reality approach to the realistic approach. Consider the following: "Did I take out the garbage? Nah. Just consider it done and it will be. Anyway, I'm busy writing emails to my boss telling him that all those projects he asked for are to be considered done....Yes, I know our anniversary is coming up. I didn't buy you a gift. Tell me what you want me to buy for you and just consider it done - like the candle-lit dinner for two in an expensive restaurant. Consider that done, too. I have already considered the Visa card bill paid, so I hope you enjoyed your meal as much as I did..."